He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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