I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
