Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
