I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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