I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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