I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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