She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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