The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
