I feel great
I just peed on a car
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
