omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
