there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
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You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
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I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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