Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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