I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
He kissed a someone with a penis
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
