Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
