Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Randomize
