I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
