It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
