The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
it hurts more in the daytime
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
