so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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