Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
