i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
