we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
