Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
