My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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