My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
