I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
