I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
