Umm I'm too high to move.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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