I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
