I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I don't deserve a penis
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Two words: blizzard sex
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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