i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
