Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I could make wine with my vomit
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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