my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
