My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
