Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
