Moan for me like Helen Keller
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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