I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
