Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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