Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
