Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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