yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
