all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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