So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
