You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
