Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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