The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
even my farts smell like vagina
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
