I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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