ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
