why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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