Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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