Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
