Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
