omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
