So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
