Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She announced her abortion via fbk
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
