i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
